So, I tried writing today. And yeah. It. Just. Well. Never mind.
Pretty much, it was the worst, most cliche writing I had really ever done in my life. Worst than my cliche writing in middle school because I’m older now and actually know when it’s bad now.
This book (series) is my baby. I want to try to make it the best it could be. And in my head, it’s fantastic! But, on the page, it’s the biggest pile of shit you can imagine.
I know it’s just the rough draft. I should just get through it and fix it up when I start doing my second draft. But it’s so, so hard.
Been working on this for years. Just want it to turn out right.
Why does self-doubt have to plague me all the time when I’m working on this?
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I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about this a lot later. I must be bipolar or something when it comes to writing. Sometimes I think I have a really good idea and I can make it last four books, like I want it to, and maybe it would get published and actually sell. But then I’ll be reading a favorite book or watching a favorite television show, or listening to a favorite music album, and just everything I write and all my ideas just seem like shit. And worthless. And how was I stupid enough to think it was actually cool and smart?
I really wish I didn’t have this problem. Wish I could be balanced and low-key about my work. But then again, I’m not sure anybody really can.
I just wish it was easier to know if you’re writing the right story for yourself. It doesn’t need to be brilliant or mind-blowing. I just want to write something that I feel proud of. Instead, most of the time, I just feel like I fail at everything.
Any other writers have this problem?
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I just want to sit in a cafe or park in the city drinking tea (which I’m thoroughly addicted to) and listening to my favorite music, while writing my “masterpiece” (used very loosely) every single day.
Yes, I am going to be that cliche picture of the poor, struggling artist.